The Fake Promiscuous Antics of Edward and Bella
by MsDelightfullyInsane
Summary: "It's just that…he makes us seem so prudish! I mean, we're not repressed Edward. Why can't he just acknowledge that we hump like bunnies nightly?"  "So, wait. You're upset because Emmett is making us seem too prudish and not because he talks about our sex life in general?"   "Yes, of course I am!" Rated M for language and themes.
1. Emmett

**Hi! This idea just popped into my head today. But, despite the content, I'm still a young innocent high school freshman.**

**Disclaimer: No aspect of Twilight is mine. It all belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

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><p><em><strong>Bella POV:<strong>_

I sigh. Sometimes I hate being a vampire.

It's not the fact that I drink the blood of animals to survive, or that I am unable to sleep, or that I am technically dead. It's the fact that every time Edward and I go to the main Cullen house, Emmett views it as an opportunity to mock my sex life. You would think that us getting married, going on a honeymoon, and me giving birth to my half-vampire, half-human daughter would prove that Edward and I do have a sex life. But, alas, Emmett's teasing simply gets worse every day.

Not that he has any right to do so. I won the arm wrestling contest. Meaning, Emmett cannot say one word about my sex life, or else he would be in violation of our verbal agreement. And yes, verbal agreements count as actual agreements.

But I will repeat my statement: Emmett's teasing only gets worse. Every. Fucking. Day.

Edward is taking it better than I am. I guess because he has had years of having to deal with Emmett's bullshit and has learned to just ignore him. Recently, though, Edward's eyes start to harden whenever Emmett makes a snide comment.

Edward and I have been standing outside the main Cullen door for about eight minutes now. Renesmee was back home, napping. She has stopped aging now, but she's driving back and forth from Seattle University each day to take her classes. It's wearing her out. Luckily, she doesn't have to sleep for too long; only two to three hours. Carlisle is at work, as usual, and Esme has gone furniture shopping with Rosalie to remodel Nessie's room. Alice is out hunting with Jasper. Jacob is probably doing his own pack leader stuff in La Push with Seth and Leah. Basically, Emmett is the only one home.

I sneak a glance at Edward, who met my stare. We both have the same reluctant looks on our faces. We know that Emmett is probably waiting for us now, thinking of more sex-related jokes. Edward eventually looks away, and grabs my hand. He squeezes it before he literally drags me inside the house. Emmett is in the foyer immediately, a smirk gracing his dimpled face.

"Well, don't you look tense Bella? Edward not keeping you satisfied?" Emmett asked jokingly. I knew he was just kidding, but God, he is driving me crazy.

"Edward is keeping me perfectly satisfied, Emmett. Now shut the hell up," I told him calmly, trying not to lose my cool. I felt Edward squeeze my hand again. Oh, he's so sweet…

"Oh really? Where's your evidence? I mean there is some obvious tension coming from you, and I see no proof that you have been boinking my brother. No broken beds, damaged walls, not even torn pillows. Losing your touch, Eddie-boy?" He said, crossing his arms across his chest. I closed my eyes in frustration, and I heard Edward shift in discomfort and anger.

"Emmett, leave us alone," I demand, still not opening my eyes. It's already taking all my self-control not to kill my brother-in-law.

"Bella, you know, if your needs aren't being fulfilled, you could always call Mike Newton, I'm sure he'd still be willing," Emmett trailed off, his eyes (most likely, as I cannot see anything) trained on Edward. He's trying to get a rise out of him. And it worked.

"Emmett! Leave, now!" Edward bellowed, pinching his nose with his thumb and finger. His voice sounded strained, as if he was holding himself back from attacking. I heard a chuckle and a whoosh of air. I opened my eyes to only see Edward in the foyer. I walked into the living room to plop face down on the couch. My legs were hanging off the end of the furniture. Edward ambled over as well, sitting gently on top of the coffee table.

"Bella, don't let him get to you," Edward murmured soothingly. His hand came up to rub my back. I groaned into the sofa cushion and flipped over. Edward's hand was now on my stomach.

"It's just that…he makes us seem so prudish! I mean, we're not repressed Edward. Why can't he just acknowledge that we hump like bunnies nightly?" I told him in a whiny tone.

"So, wait. You're upset because Emmett is making us seem too prudish and not because he talks about our sex life in general?" Edward inquired, giving me a peculiar glance.

"Yes, of course I am!" Edward and I have a great sex life. The fact that Emmett is trying to downplay our sexy times is an insult to not only me, but to Edward's dick!

Yes, I really just thought that.

Edward laughed out loud and shook his head. He took his hand off my stomach and brought it up to my face. His thumb gently stroked my cheek, making me look up into his eyes. I saw love and amusement shining through them.

"Bella, you're so absurd," he whispered to me. Oh, I love him so much. I took a deep breath, trying to muster up the courage to leave this perfect position. I caught Edward's eyes flicker to my rising chest and then back to my eyes. Now, lust was glimmering in his topaz eyes.

"Let's go back to the cottage," Edward suggested huskily. I smirked and leaped off the couch towards the cottage. Edward was following close behind.

_**Emmett POV:**_

I chuckled lowly. I was planting a bunch of tiny catapults around the inside of Edward and Bella's room. At any time, I would just have to flip a switch and paintballs would launch all over the inside of their cottage. Edward will be so pissed.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps racing here. Oh, crap, I didn't expect Bella and Edward to get home so soon. I looked around frantically, trying to locate a place to hide. If I try to jump out the window, they'll end up seeing me. My eyes halted under their California King sized bed. It's not the best place to hide, but it will have to do. _It's not like they do anything on that bed anyway_, I thought to myself. I snorted.

_**Edward POV:**_

Bella and I were still trying to even out our breathing. We were going to wait until we got to the cottage, but Bella just looked so good running. She was so powerful, confident, sexy… I shook my head to clear my thoughts. So, long story short, I screwed Bella over a fallen tree, and now we are panting on the forest floor. It's a good thing Alice and Jasper went out to Oregon for their hunting trip.

A few minutes later, Bella and I managed to get up and put our clothes on, albeit reluctantly. We got up and speed walked to our cottage. As we got closer, I heard more than my sleeping daughter's dreams. It sounded like…Emmett! I can't hear why he was here, but he's looking for someplace to hide. I could see in his mind that he chose our bed.

It's not like they do anything on that bed anyway, Emmett thought. I growled lowly.

Bella glanced at me curiously. I whispered to her, so that Emmett would not be able to hear.

"Emmett is hiding under our bed at the cottage, and he's not worried about us finding him because he thought, and I quote, 'It's not like they do anything on that bed anyway.'" Bella hissed, but then a look of mischief graced her beautiful face. I was a little scared.

"Love, why are you making that face?" I asked her quietly. Bella may be shy, but she's devious.

"I just thought of a perfect revenge plan, Edward," my love declared. She opened her shield and I read the plan in her mind. I smirked.

This is going to be perfect.

_**Emmett POV:**_

I was flat under Edward and Bella's bed, with my face looking towards the foot of the frame. I had just made myself comfortable- well, as comfortable one could be hiding under a bed- when I heard it. I heard the door to the cottage slam open and hit the wall. A moment later the door shut loudly. But's strangely, that's not all I heard.

"Oh, Edward, you know that what that spot does to me," Bella moaned out. Wait-moaned? Oh fuck…

"Let's go to bed, love," Edward growled, sounding turned on. Oh shit…

The bedroom door flew open, and I saw Edward's feet coming towards the bed. It seems like he was holding Bella, because I could see her feet dangling from what should be Edward's arms. I then felt a dip in the bed near the small of my back. I think Edward threw Bella on it.

Oh fuck shit…

I saw Edward's blue sweater fall to the ground, along with Bella's long-sleeve green shirt. After that, I saw the bra flying onto the ground, then a pair of women's jeans. Shoes were kicked off, and I then heard the tell-tale sound of a belt being unbuckled, and a zipper being pulled down. Edward's jeans were on the floor, finally being joined by a pair of boxer-briefs and a thong.

Oh, shit-fuckity shit fuck fuck.

Bella and Edward are going to bang right on top of me, and there is nothing I can do about it.

God dammit, why couldn't they have waited ten minutes?

I heard Bella moan.

"Oh Edward, mmm," she managed to say as I contemplated whether or not I should just bolt right now. I could be scarred for existence and be a witness to this, or I could possibly risk my life by leaving. Edward would literally kill me, and I wouldn't be able to out run him. Not to mention what Rose would do to me…

I inwardly sighed. If Edward or Bella didn't kill me, Rose definitely would. I have no choice, but to stay and think about all the therapists visits I will need to have after this.

"You have perfect breasts, my love," Edward muttered. Bella moaned and hissed.

"I know that, Edward, but enough teasing!" She nearly yelled. I gagged. I felt the bed get lighter in some place, and I saw Edward's knees not seven inches from my face. Luckily, I couldn't see his junk.

"Edward, oh God I love your tongue!" EW…he was eating her out.

"You taste delicious, Bella," Edward whispered, making Bella moan again. She was full on moaning and panting now. Oh, this is so disgusting…

"Edward, keep going, I love your fingers too," Bella shouted. I heard Edward moan from between Bella's legs. A few minutes later, this happened.

"Edward, oh YES!" Bella screamed as she reached her peak. How does Nessie sleep through this shit?

I saw Edward's climb back onto the bed. Bella was still panting.

"Your turn," Bella hissed at her mate, regaining her composure. I felt shifting on the bed-this is really killing my back- and made out the sound of Edward groaning in what sounded like pleasure.

"Oh, shit, Bella! Your hands feel so good!" Wow. Edward has a dirty mouth.

As amazing as that is, I really wish I didn't have to find out this way.

Bella chuckled darkly. "Then this should feel amazing!"

I felt another shift and heard my brother groan loudly.

"Fuck Bella, keep going!"

Bella moaned but it sounded like she had something in her mou- OH!

EW!

"That's right, take me deep!" Edward moaned. He was groaning every other second. I heard the sheets ripping above me and saw the feathers from pillows fall to the floor.

Oh God, I want to vomit.

"Oh shit, I'm coming! Bella!" Edward yelled out, making the sound echo all over the room.

It is physically impossible that Nessie doesn't hear this every night.

It was Edward's turn to pant like a dog as Bella moved up on the bed. A few seconds later, Edward seemed to regain his energy.

"It's time for the main event, my dear," Edward murmured from above me-and probably from above Bella too- and I got ready to plan my suicide. I feel so…dirty. Even dirtier than when I'm thinking about doing Rosalie.

I heard Bella and Edward sigh. I felt a soft thud in the middle of my spine. And again. And again. And agai-Oh, God, he's thrusting!

"Oh, you're so tight, love," Edward groaned out.

"Edward…you know I l-love you and l-like to m-ma-make love to you, right?" Bella said breathily.

"Uh…y-yes," Edward replied, stuttering a bit. The thuds on my back are starting to get slower. Ha, I knew they had a boring sex life.

"This time I don't want to make love," Bella panted out. Edward stopped now.

"What?" My brother asked, confused.

"I need you to fuck me," Bella whispered. Oh, Jesus Christ!

Remember the thuds I was feeling before? They just turned into full blown bangs onto my spine. I know I will not be able to walk tomorrow- and by the sounds of it, neither will Bella.

"E-E-Ed-Edward! Oh God! Yes! Oh, faster, harder!" Bella started shouting. The bangs on my back came faster.

"Bella, God, I love you so much!" He moaned. If I could bruise, I would be a deep purple all over my back. The thuds suddenly stopped for a moment, and there was a shift on the bed.

The thuds resumed. "That's it, Bella, ride me just like that," Edward said in his strained voice. I think Rosalie will understand why I have to kill myself after today.

"Edward, oh I'm coming!" Bella yelled out. I swore I heard the glass crack.

There was another shift on the bed.

"You had your fun, but I'm back in charge," Edward growled loudly. Do they sell brain bleach at CVS? Maybe Walgreens. But Walmart has a better selection…

"Edward, don't stop, please," Bella groaned, obviously in pleasure. My innocent little sister…

"You like that, don't you, Bella? You like me making you moan and scream my name," Edward murmured harshly. Bella moaned in reply. Dirty talking? Really? My used-to-be reserved brother was whispering into my little sister's ear, each word making me gag a bit more each time.

"Come for me, again, Bella," Edward hissed, still banging Bella straight into the mattress/me.

"Oh, yes, Edward!" Bella bellowed, making the floors vibrate as she came. She's got a set of pipes on her, I'll tell you that.

"Bella, put your legs on my shoulders," Edward demanded. Who knew that the prude was dominant?

"E-Edward, why should I- OH SHIT YES!" Bella uttered in the loudest voice I have ever heard her use. How did the shy blushing girl become this?

"Tsk, tsk, Bella…I'm n-not used to y-you being this quiet. One- oh God-more time, sweetheart. Scream- fuck yes-my name. Scream it," Edward commanded in a very strained voice.

"Edward, I-I can't, " Bella groaned out, sounding both pleased and exhausted. It's the same voice Rosalie uses when I screw her.

"Oh-ugh- yes you can, my –ugh- sweet. I'll make you." These were the last words I heard before my back was being assaulted at vampire speeds as the bangs continued. The sounds of Edward grunting, Bella nearly screaming, the headboard banging into the wall, and the creak of the springs were all around me.

"EDWARD, oh, YES BABY YES!" Bella screamed in a voice that must have broken the sound barrier. And the majority of the windows.

"Shit, BELLA!"

Okay. Nessie is officially deaf. Or has very powerful headphones. Those are the only explanations.

The bands stopped. There was a lot of creaking, and then the iron headboard fell onto the ground, and the iron bed frame split in two on the small of my back.

"Edward, that was amazing. I think you might have turned my vampire legs into jelly," Bella said in between panting.

"It's your fault, my love. You turn me on too much," Edward murmured, his breathing slowing down.

After a few minutes, their breathing regulated and they were snuggling with each other.

"Wanna go take a shower?" Edward asked hopefully.

"I thought you would never ask. Just make sure to carry me there, I don't think I can walk," Bella chuckled out. Edward joined in her laugh and raced her to the bathroom. At least, I think he did. I don't think I will ever recover from this. I mean, I'll still make fun of them, but not as severely.

Once I heard the water come on, I slowly crawled out from under the bed. I hugged myself, shaking. I had just been ear raped. And my back is killing me. I hope Carlisle knows a good therapist.

_**Bella POV:**_

I sat on top of my sink in the master bathroom. Once I heard Emmett leaving through the front door, I looked at Edward and started laughing. He followed suit.

We hadn't actually done it on my brother. We aren't that cruel. When Edward told me that Emmett was hiding from us, and told me what he said about our sex life, it was the final straw. I raced back to the main house with Edward, put on an extra bra and panties on top of my current ones, and Edward put on a second pair of boxers. So, when we stripped when we faked it on top of Emmett, we left on our second set of underwear. From then on, we just acted like we were actually having wild and crazy sex, except without the sex. We also texted Nessie before we got there, so she wouldn't have to hear us. We saw her sneak out of her window as we came back to the cottage. So, Emmett is scarred for life, doesn't make fun of us anymore, and now, I get to have actual shower sexy time with Edward. A triple win.

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><p><strong>I'm a perv. Sue me. REVIEW, MY PRETTIES! I'll probably add more chapters later.<strong>


	2. Mike

So, I'm going to be honest. I did not think I was going to update this story. I'm already a little ashamed of it and my amazing amounts of perviness. But…here you go! Chapter deux!

Disclaimer: I do not not not own Twilight.

Bella POV:

Ever since that day we fooled Emmett, he had gone pale (that's right, he got even paler than he was before) anytime either of walked into the room. Nobody knows why, except for Alice. Rosalie is pretty concerned. Edward and I, however, can't help but smirk.

But now, the shock and trauma is wearing off. Is that a good thing? Kinda. It was getting pretty weird to have Emmett look at me in horror every time he saw me. But the bad thing is? Alice snitched.

Emmett doesn't know that we faked it, but he does know that we knew he was there. So, he's planned the worst kind of revenge.

He gave Mike Newton my cell phone number.

You see, some may think that this isn't much of a prank. It is.

Trust me.

Every ten minutes, I get a call from Newton. Every five minutes, I get a text. I'm afraid to go on Facebook because he keeps chatting with me. I even blocked the boy and he got around it!

You might be thinking, why doesn't she just change her number?

That's pointless, because every time I change the number, my stupid wireless plan notifies everyone else on the plan, which includes Emmett. That means that every time I change it, Emmett knows and can tell Mike in less than two minutes.

He is a devious vampire.

Edward is getting seriously pissed. Whenever my phone rings, he breaks something, and we only have so many chairs. Emmett got us back good with this one. I don't know what to do. Edward left about ten minutes to go to Port Angeles to find a way out of this stupid prank. By the way he drives, he should be there already.

**Edward POV:**

Emmett has gone too far this time. Giving Bella, my wife, such a horrible punishment that he knew would torture me as well.

I knew he wasn't as stupid as he looked. And acted. And thought. And…

I was at my nearest Verizon Wireless, about to be serviced by one of the customer assistants. Oh fuck…it's Mike.

"Oh, hey Cullen," that vile boy said, his eyes narrowing .

"Newton," I practically snarled back.

"How can I help you today?" It asked, pretending to sounding helpful

_I could push you off a cliff…_

I ignored that his murderous thought and answered him.

"I would like to cancel the family plan I have here at Verizon," I told him seriously, clenching my fists.

"And why is that?" Mike wondered, truly curious.

"My wife is being harassed by some little insignificant punk who needs to get a life," I deadpanned, looking Mike right in the eye. I saw the smugness appear on his face in a self-satisfied grin.

_Ha, he's jealous! He knows that Bella and I have a connection and doesn't want us to talk so Bella won't discover her true love!_

"Jealous, Cullen?"

"Jealous of what?" I inquired, although I knew what he would say.

"Aren't you jealous that Bella and I are establishing a relationship right in front of you, and you can keep it from happening?" It sneered at me, trying to intimidate me.

"I'm sorry, but 'establishing a relationship'? You're harassing Bella through calls and text messages. I don't think borderline stalking is establishing a relationship," I hissed at him, my anger rising.

"Oh, please, you know she wants me," Mike retorted.

"That's why she married me, right?" I rhetorically asked him, smirking.

"I know you pressured her into Cullen. I know how you are forcing her to do your bidding," he whispered to me, as if it's some big secret I've been keeping from everyone.

"'Forcing her to do my bidding'? What the hell is this, a superhero cartoon?"

He ignored my sarcasm.

"I don't believe for a second that she really wants you. Just wait, Cullen. She'll be running to me soon enough," Mike threatened.

_And then we will be doing some baby making! She'll be screaming my name all night long, while Cullen cries with his tiny dick._

Hey, why are you thinking about my dick, Mike? And for the record, it is nowhere near tiny. Just ask Bella…

"She loves me, Newton. She wants me. And I can satisfy her wants because I'm very well equipped to do so," I mocked, smirking.

"I'll believe it when I see it. Or hear it," Mike joked, waving his cell in front of my face. My anger rose and I was about ten seconds from ending the little shit, so I decided to leave.

"You know what, forget it. I'll keep the plan," I snarled as I bolted angrily out the store.

_Ha! I knew it. He's so intimidated by me that he ran away! Mike the Man wins again!_

Mike the Man? What a joke.

Bella POV:

I was waiting patiently on the sofa near the front door for my husband to come home. I heard his Volvo pull up and a smile spread across my face. I then heard his snarling and grew worried.

I stood up as soon as the door opened, ready to embrace my love.

Edward burst through the door, snarling freely, his eyes crazed as well.

"What's wrong Edward?" I questioned as my arms snaked their way arund his waist and I began kissing his collarbone. I felt him relax against me, and I smiled in satisfaction at the reaction I can get from him.

"Oh, it's nothing, love. It just turns out that Newton works at Verizon. I guess his mom fired him at the store," he said to me. I gasped in shock and anger.

"What did he say to you?" I grilled him, going into 'Angry Wife' mode.

"Not much, just that I was jealous over the obvious connection you two have and that sooner or later you're going to go running to him so that he could satisfy your lust for him," he summarized. I gasped again, this time out of disgust.

Ew, lusting over Newton? As if! Not when I have the most gorgeous, amazing man at home who I love and who loves me in return.

"Edward, that very thought repulses me. Tell me exactly what he said," I begged of him, giving min my puppy dog pout that Alice taught me.

Edward was putty in seconds, and he gave me the play by play.

I grew angrier at Mike as the story went on. But, Mike's last words to Edward made me think…

I looked up deviously at Edward.

"Edward, revenge got us into this, and revenge will get us out," I told him cryptically. I opened my shield so he could see my plan, and a mischievous look appeared in his eyes.

"I got the whole package with you, my darling. Beauty, brains, compassion, and deviousness," Edward growled playfully as he brought me into a kiss.

Mike POV:

I was feeling confident as I pulled up to my crappy apartment. Usually, during this time of day, I would just feel pretty pissed at how lame my life is now, but seeing Cullen run away from me like the coward he was boosted my self-esteem today. I saw that exactly nine minutes had passed since I last called Bella and was about to phone her when I saw that I received one new message. It was from Bella! Ha! I told that freaking Cullen that I would get her one day, and that day has arrived!

Oh, it was a picture message. Maybe Bella sent me some naughty pictures of her… I quickly opened the text.

AH!

OH MY GOD, NO!

It was a picture of Cullen, shirtless, giving me a thumbs up. That wasn't the scarring part though…a familiar head of chocolate brown hair was in front of his seemingly naked crotch. I would have claimed it was some other girl, but a pale, female hand was on Cullen's stomach. On the hand were Bella's wedding ring and that bracelet she got from the Quileute kid. It was undeniably Bella. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so I had to call to make sure Edward wasn't forcing her into something.

Ring….

Ring…

Ring…

"Hello?" I heard Bella's sexy voice over the speaker, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hi, Bella," I purred into the phone.

"Mike? W-Why are you calling?" I knew my sexy purr would get her going. I'm not even there and she's already turned on by me.

"Is Cullen there?" I whispered huskily.

" U-Uh…ugh, he's around," Bella responded breathlessly. I wonder what's up with her. I know I'm hot, but I don't think she's _that_ turned on by me. Then again, I don't know my own strength…

"He better not be forcing you into anything, Bella. If he is, don't be afraid to tell me. I can take him," I reassured her.

"Don't…w-w-worry…he's …oh," Bella stuttered out, moaning at the end. Hmm…

"Bella, is everything okay?" I asked her warily.

"Oh…oh…everything's f-fine, I'm just a bit b-busy r-right now, can you c-call later?" She implored, still sounding out of breath.

"Well, Bella, this kind of can't wait. I just wanted to tell you that I lo-"

"Oh, EDWARD, YES!"

What?

I listened in closer on the call. In the background, I heard Trey Songz's "Neighbors Know My Name" playing. I also heard bed springs squeaking, something hitting a wall or something, moaning and grunting.

Oh, my god, they're doing it! I called while they were…fornicating.

I heard some shuffling on the other line, and then Cullen's voice.

"In case you-ugh- couldn't-ah- tell, Bella is a b-bit preoccupied," I heard his smug but somewhat strained voice , I heard Bella moan his name in the background.

"I-i-Y-You…h-how…," I couldn't speak.

"As much As I would-ah- love to have a philosophical-oh, Bella- conversation with you, I'm a tad busy. Goodbye," Cullen said. It sounded like the phone fell, but Cullen didn't take it off.

Well, how do I know Bella's really enjoying it! He could be raping her!

"Oh Bella, that's it, take control," I heard Cullen groan.

"Edward, oh I love you so much! You and all your nine inches! Oh YES EDWARD!"

"Damn it, BELLA!"

The traumatizing noises stopped, thank God, except for the music in the background.

"Mmm, Edward, that was amazing. You couldn't pay me to give you up," Bella sighed, breaking my heart.

"I love you so much, Bella," Edward replied.

Two things happened I heard this.

I hit the end button.

I promptly started sobbing.

Edward POV:

I looked down at my beautiful wife, smirking. I was in a black wife beater and sweatpants, while Bella was wearing a tank top and denim cutoffs. She was more comfortable wearing revealing clothing when it's just me seeing her.

"That was priceless, sweetheart," I praised Bella. I'm so proud of her. Her deviousness (that comes automatically after becoming a Cullen) suited her well.

"I'll say. I can't wait to see Mike's face!" She laughed so hard that she let out a cute little snort. I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Should I be worried, Mrs. Cullen?" I enquired.

"About what, Mr. Cullen?" She queried.

"You seem so good at faking it, that I don't know if I am truly doing my job well. What if you're faking it with me?"

"Well, there's only one way to find out, Edward," she purred.

Life's awesome.

**Yes. I am a sick, twisted perv. REVIEW. Maybe I'll write more…**


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